Tonight, my writings could be titled "Vain Ramblings of a Woman. Maybe not vain, but ramblings nonetheless. Everyday we are faced with decisions that determine our course in life......the canvas we paint, the movie we create. I want to create an epic motion picture. One that is vibrant, compelling, and tells a story of struggle and triumph. I often hate the struggle, but I'm aware that the struggle must exist for the triumph to occur and rather still, for the triumph to be sweet and savory. I love spice in life and I desire that everyday be approached with asking God, "What do I paint this morning........How will this film end today? A catalyst is a person (my ONE) or thing that precipitates an event or change. Recently, I've experienced a catalyst of sorts. A catalyst of discontent......me recognizing and realizing the state of my soul. That discontent has forced me to reexamine my motion picture. What kind of legacy do I want to leave? What kind of impact will I make? Who will people say I am? For me to even begin to answer these questions, I need to ask myself if I truly know the Lover of my soul? The One that will never leave me. The One that desires to invade my dark areas, shed His light and bring forth healing. May I not remove myself from the altar or the operating table so He may have His perfect work in me. Only then, can my epic motion picture tell the true story. Okay, it's midnight and my eyes are sleepy. Enough soul searching for one day.

I have stumbled upon the fact that I'm selfish and I don't like good-byes. I say stumbled, but in actuality, I've known it in my heart, I just don't like to look at it on a regular basis. I want what I want without delay and without weighing costs and I want it to be available. Recently, I lost a friend; she moved back to her hometown of Bridgton, NJ. We've been friends for years, although at one point, we lost contact with each other for an extended period of time. Since our reunion, I have enjoyed that friendship in greater measure. We are both older, wiser and less guarded with sharing the intricacies of life. We share an unbridled passion for life, love and humor! I shall miss my frequent talks with my friend but she has bridges to cross and gardens to plant. My mother shared this poem with me when I was in college, grieving the loss of a boyfriend. I have carried this in my wallet since that day, and when I'm feeling melancholy or missing my friend, I will read it again and again and ponder what kind of flowers I will plant in my garden!

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn...