Tonight, my writings could be titled "Vain Ramblings of a Woman. Maybe not vain, but ramblings nonetheless. Everyday we are faced with decisions that determine our course in life......the canvas we paint, the movie we create. I want to create an epic motion picture. One that is vibrant, compelling, and tells a story of struggle and triumph. I often hate the struggle, but I'm aware that the struggle must exist for the triumph to occur and rather still, for the triumph to be sweet and savory. I love spice in life and I desire that everyday be approached with asking God, "What do I paint this morning........How will this film end today? A catalyst is a person (my ONE) or thing that precipitates an event or change. Recently, I've experienced a catalyst of sorts. A catalyst of discontent......me recognizing and realizing the state of my soul. That discontent has forced me to reexamine my motion picture. What kind of legacy do I want to leave? What kind of impact will I make? Who will people say I am? For me to even begin to answer these questions, I need to ask myself if I truly know the Lover of my soul? The One that will never leave me. The One that desires to invade my dark areas, shed His light and bring forth healing. May I not remove myself from the altar or the operating table so He may have His perfect work in me. Only then, can my epic motion picture tell the true story. Okay, it's midnight and my eyes are sleepy. Enough soul searching for one day.

I have stumbled upon the fact that I'm selfish and I don't like good-byes. I say stumbled, but in actuality, I've known it in my heart, I just don't like to look at it on a regular basis. I want what I want without delay and without weighing costs and I want it to be available. Recently, I lost a friend; she moved back to her hometown of Bridgton, NJ. We've been friends for years, although at one point, we lost contact with each other for an extended period of time. Since our reunion, I have enjoyed that friendship in greater measure. We are both older, wiser and less guarded with sharing the intricacies of life. We share an unbridled passion for life, love and humor! I shall miss my frequent talks with my friend but she has bridges to cross and gardens to plant. My mother shared this poem with me when I was in college, grieving the loss of a boyfriend. I have carried this in my wallet since that day, and when I'm feeling melancholy or missing my friend, I will read it again and again and ponder what kind of flowers I will plant in my garden!

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn...

I was looking over my list of movies when I was struck by the fact that I love movies where the guy gets the girl…….happy ending movies………cry and laugh movies and most definitely where the guy gets the girl. But in reality, sometimes we don’t get the guy or girl. Sometimes we take the other road. I’m so reminded of Robert Frost’s poem The Road Not Taken. He has been a favorite of mine since High School and I’m sharing his wonderful work below:

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I was speaking with a friend the other day about “doing life over”. In other words, if you had the choice, would you live your life again and if so, would you live it exactly the same or completely different. I stated that I thought people were not being honest if they said they would choose the same life over again. My mind cannot comprehend that choice. The road we have taken has been what “is” full of wonderful things, and also full of struggles. I think after 40+ years on this wonderful planet, I know myself fairly well. I know that I love adventure and spontaneity and I don’t think my thrill-seeking self could again stand at the apex of those roads and travel the one I know. I think I would race headlong, hair blowing in the wind down that new road. After all, I have no idea what is ahead…. around the bend and that makes all the difference.

Okay this is my first endeavor to participate in blogging. I have virtually no idea how this works, or if there is some form I should follow, but I have a deep appreciation for the written word and I was a voracious reader (pre-kids that is) so I'm hoping my ramblings have a destination!! The Milkman, encouraged me to spread my wings and share my heart on paper. With that I sit before my keyboard thoughts racing through my head maddeningly. What shall I blog? Does it matter to others or only to me? Will someone read my blog and think, what the heck is this chick doing?!! Those are my random musings as I also contemplate what to make for dinnner! I am a mother of 2 wonderful children, amazingly brillant and profound (what every mom thinks!) and at other times exasperating! You know, these little ones should really come with a set of instruction manuals. Marriage is an intricate maze in which you never quite find your way out of and then children arrive to complicate the puzzle! Don't get me wrong, I would choose no other road. They have brought me immense joy and have also made me long to be Wonder Woman so I could call on my invisible plane to fly me to Hawaii! Well, I think I'm finished for my first post...........not headline news, but oh well!

As a child, I always had an immense fascination with kaleidoscopes. I remember sitting in our living room chair sideway for hours, with my legs hanging over the arm, a kaleidoscope held up to my eye......I loved to turn the scope one notch at a time to see how it would change the intricacies of my view. The burst of colors and symmetrical patterns were a source of pure delight and it's ever changing landscape apprehended and held my curiosity. I am finding that life is much like a kaleidoscope rich, bold & vibrant in texture, yet everchanging. I have experienced a metamorphis of sorts over the past few months......and I find myself embracing a new atmosphere that is everchanging. It's not that my life has been static or fixed, its just that I have been unaware on some level of the subtle turns. Each turn of the kaleidoscope brings yet another view while still clinging to remnants of the original beauty. Intrestingly, kaleidoscope came from the Greek words, "beautiful-form-to-see". With each notch that we turn on our kaleidoscope of life, we see such magnificance, such intricacy and we pause to absorb it, speculating if the next turn will yield another display of open-mouthed wonder. It is my desire that as I revel in the former image, I also eagerly anticipate the next vision before my eyes.